toasted n’ posted proudly presents…
Alien Asshat by Sky High Gardens
Alien Asshat by Sky High Gardens
Welcome back to toasted n’ posted where we will be diving into an extremely unique strain. Matter of fact, I’ve never even so much as heard of this one. What we have here is Alien Asshat from Sky High Gardens. Normally, I wouldn’t know where to begin when hunting down the parents of a peculiar cross such as this, however, I’m happy to say we having an inside line. Alien Asshat is a cross of Alien Kush and Tahoe OG. While it is labeled as a simple hybrid, I expect it to lean heavily towards the indica side of the spectrum. Word is that this strain gets you annihilated, let us face our delicious decimation!
I prepare to dawn the Asshat as I nervously unscrew the jar. Bubbling over the rim is a rich taffy birthed of a unique funky sour. A bulky sugar pulses through my nostrils, emphasized by the grounded bog. I tumble down a hill of foul, skunky, pine grit. The sylvan kiss rolls endlessly beneath the shockwaves of lancing candy. The symphony continues to sing while spitting out white water from a crashing waterfall of foaming hops. Oddly enough, the culmination is a lot like a decarbonated Mountain Dew. The original, of course.
The at the depths of the fragrance, the aroma mimics a rainforest spread on a sheet of cardboard. A refreshing, yet nullifying and flat moisture provides a bed for explosive aromatic growth. The entirety of the profile is rooted in a sugary pine expanse that isn’t scared to show off more than one face. The effervescent mixture wears a suit of dankness that is always evolving. Even now, I receive a nuance of a mild-mannered wasabi.
Let’s see if we can provoke any dormant qualities within Alien Asshat. I crack the bud, wincing in anticipation of the slaughter. Flying outward, flings a gavel of bubbling citrus zest. The note cracks me in the nose, unleashing a hail of dank darts. The assault smelled exactly like a freshly opened Fresca. The reason I continue to compare this fragrance to soda is due to the active sudsy, sweetness that perverts every competing quality. The sugary pine is also drastically enhanced in the wake of each snap. I tear through the flowers like a madman, lusting after the vivacious fragrance until only scraps remain.
Like an antipasti platter, these flowers are flush with olive and pickle. The salad of sleepy greens appear as rolling hills of the verdant countryside. Alien Asshat wears a friendly demeanor, though it does carry some dark secrets. Shadowed nooks of each flower drift into a gloomy shade of crocodile or juniper. The soft profile provides ample highlights to the blizzard of golden trichomes that take to the surface of Alien Asshat.
The trichome ranges are so prominent and plentiful that Alien Asshat seems to wear a beard. Stacking into a haphazard dog-pile at every possible junction are mounds of demented resin. The golden froth seems to outshine the actual stigmas, though they are not to be ignored. Careful, bronzed, yam hairs stretch laterally across the sticky face of Alien Asshat. They seem ensnared, a prisoner to the mobs of raking amber arms. Nearly as impressive as the resin production, is the immense density of these flowers. The bud structure encourages a bulky cone sitting at about 1.5 grams. These buds are true to the kush bud structure, if anything, I think this one demonstrates a little extra vigor. Verdant bulwarks glistening with sticky gold. The foliage does allow some movement, but the clusters of plant matter are near immovable.
Leaf to flame, I lap up a sour stream of herbal milk. An invigorating spell of fiery pine nut and soil inspired sweetness. The aroma continues to blossom into a hot syrup and woodland spice that spills down my throat. I am challenged by the gauntlet of piercing herb. As assertive as Alien Asshat is, I find the initial impression to taste like tree trunks and gummy bears. The flavor is potent, buoyant, and flexible. The tangy confectionary seems to deflect some of the fiery debris. The storm eventually peters out to coachable levels. As the bowl chars, I find a choking steam occupies my airways. I rush to finish the bowl before I am smothered by the caramelized salad of purging herb!
I feel as if my brain was instantaneously replaced with a brick of clay. My thoughts halted, stunned by the impenetrable cool of this ethereal slab. The impressive presence is amplified as it seems to add physical weight to my head as well. I struggle to balance my skull which now appears to be made of iron. All the while during my struggle, I didn’t even realize the ‘icy-hot’ effect being applied to all of my joints. My knuckles and knees burn and freeze are soothed as minor aches dissipate. I feel like the Tin Man after a fresh dab of grease, loosened up and ready to go.
I know this sounds insane, but I feel like my teeth have been converted into Crayons and I’m a little worried I might break them. A familiar numbness crawls over my gums and traces my nose. The creeping cool braces my face and infects me with its sedating calm. This high is almost purely indica in my opinion, it is one of those strains where you know you look blatantly high. Trying to compensate for it would only succeed in making you look more messed up. Even as I sit still, I feel like I have to be careful not to sway out of my seat. Contrary to the soothing calm that has consumed the rest of my body, a cozy warmth flickers in my head. I feel giddy and safe while wrapped in the physical disarmament of Alien Asshat.
I dawn my Alien Asshat proudly. I gave the high and physical appearance categories perfect scores. The high smacks you like an anvil to Elmur Fudd and each nug glistens like a High Times covergirl. You don’t know what you are missing, this is a weird strain worth taking a chance on. Don’t just get high, get sky high with Sky High Gardens. I’m gonna excuse myself and roll an enormous joint and kick back. As always, thanks for reading.
Alien Asshat Total Score: 88/100 points
Stay high and stay blessed,
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