toasted n’ posted proudly presents…
Purple Punch by House of Cultivar
Purple Punch by House of Cultivar
Welcome back to toasted n’ posted, where only the dankest plains are surveyed. Today we have a real beauty, Purple Punch. This was crafted over at the House of Cultivar, I’m always eager to witness the justice they bring to every strain. I’ve found that Purple Punch has been catching some shade on the internet lately, but I cannot understand why. Purple Punch is the powerful offspring of Larry OG and Grandaddy Purple. I’m expecting tidal waves of indica satisfaction in this one, let’s dive in.
I grab a ladle and charge toward Purple Punch. Just as I’d expected, a bubbling cauldron of fruity flavor lie before me. I go bobbing for heaps of mango, strawberry, pineapple, cherry, and a nose-singing grape emphasis. The culmination of the tropical fruits is reminiscent of the frozen cans of juice concentrate, fruit punch of course. Pouring over every note of the flavor is an invigorating freshness. The bubbly liveliness lacing each individual fruity influence I feel as if I have to force each note out from under a rushing waterfall. A tantalizing tangy zest sparks off of the willful downpour. The pulpy stream whimpers off into an earthy sap. While the aroma is predominately composed of tropical fruit, below, I discover a setback darker quality. From what I can qualify, it is a dormant afghan or pseudo-kushy quality. The nose of Purple Punch is so pronounced I can feel it electrify my sensors as it passes through my nose. I crack a bud in hopes of deciphering its electric touch. A flood of viscous grape molasses gushes from the fresh wound, fermented by the raw afghani. A light floral emphasis antagonizes the inaugural fruity qualities, blending them into a lightning bolt of amorphous tropical flavor.
Tormented wine and somber eggplant hues are cast upon a majority of the exposed flower. These petals appear to be floating, stranded masses adrift a rich sea of aspirant amber. In some light, the forceful collective of purple could be misconstrued for blackness. This is some of the most magnificent purple color I’ve ever witnessed, a plum night decorated with milky yellowed stars. On the underbellies of the petrified petals is a dehydrated pale hue, tickled with trichomes. Pale tangerine bolts jut out from the crystalline crust. While there are nests of these tender tanned tendrils; their encampments are rather scarce, allowing more time for the allure of the trichomes to perform. The resin glands stand in droves, creating illusory blizzards atop the frozen foliage. It almost appears as if the flower was left under your dishwasher to collect dust for a month, that is how frosty these purple-people-beaters are. The flowers snowball into thick boulders, fortified by rank after rank of dense leaf. While the freshness of Purple Punch does qualify some ‘give’, these crystal-coated rocks are not looking to give up any ground. The buds are so fat, they are practically spherical. I feel like Joe Dirt because I’m in love with these meteors.
Leaf to flame, I am scorched by a spiced torrent of berry flame. The aromatic incineration is blunted by a strong floral grip. The pseudo-lavender rawness is both singing and soothing. I find I’m charmed the the unique echo of the fruity spice. A gooey afghani endorsed grape lurks out from beneath the spiced slurry. The firm, sweet, earthen musk of the fermented grape pools across the floor of the flavor. The earthy contender drowns out the remainder of the agitated sweet cider. The aforementioned qualities are all doused in a powdered artificial sweetness.
As I adjust to the turbulent tongue of Purple Punch, I’m rewarded by a second wind of savory fruit. This breeze focuses more heavily on the tangy, sharp, cherry notes. As with most second winds, it is short-lived. The revived berry eventually sinks down to be consumed by the churning afghani swamp. I find relinquishing the buoyant reincarnation further balances the hashy reduction. As the bowl chars, only a sweetened peppery hash remains, I enjoy the forceful punch I feel to my chest with every hit. I welcome every gracious gut check brought on by Purple Punch.
My head slowly converts to a slab of molded jell-o as the effects of Purple Punch begin to take hold. This high asserts itself rather quickly, swinging sedating sledgehammer fists. The same paralyzing relaxation uses similar disarming tactics to my neck and shoulders shortly after. The roasted euphoria provided by the high locks your mind in an emphatic stasis. I can dream up many different thoughts, but temporarily lack the ability or motivation to carry them on past a couple steps. The immense pleasure vibrating through my body is a far superior distraction. I feel like I’m a drooling prisoner locked away in a block of ice, with only my head exposed. Mobility seems near impossible, you best hope you’ve already put something on the television. I feel my spine overtaken by the jell-o crusade with time. My torso now teeters, my mental state accommodates, and I take a couple steps closer to becoming a full-on vegetable. I find it difficult to even move individual fingers under the oppressive ethereal weight of Purple Punch. With additional bowls, the delectable burden builds with minimal taxation on my already drained mental state. I find its becoming exceedingly difficult to resist forfeiting my evening by closing my eyes. I refuse to become a casualty to the sedative embrace of Purple Punch.
Purple Punch may be closer to a firearm than cannabis; this strain packs some serious firepower. Every cloud knocks you in the chest, rocking you in a spicy cradle of fruit. The high is debilitating, but quite effective in what it aimed to accomplish. I would dare say the effects are the ‘high-light’ of the strain, despite the other very attractive qualities. This is a flower that is worth seeking out, especially if you’ve lost faith in the quality of these genetics. House of Cultivar has harnessed a quality phenotype and I hope it is not going anywhere. A treasure in a sea of “bammer”, I can’t wait to see what House of Cultivar cooks up next! As always, thanks for reading!
Purple Punch Total Score: 90/100
Stay high and stay blessed,
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